I Hit Rock Bottom..Again

Angry.PissedOff.Insane.Depressed.Pathetic.Annoyed. Anxious.Guilty.Crazy.Sad.
Hateful.Despicable.Unworthy.Lost.Confused.Hurt.Psy chotic.Destructive.Usless.

I am all of those things, and probably more.

My life is officially out of my control. Gone. Kaput. I don't know what to do anymore. Everything i do goes wrong. Everything i touch turns to shit. Anyone i get close to, i fuck up.

I need a reason. Give me a reason to live. Because right now i am not living i am merely existing. And its a pitiful existance at that. I have depression and borerline personality disorder. I'm not well enoigh to work. I was late sending of a sick note because like the selfish self centered bitch i am i tried to OD. Correction did OD. And nearly died. About a week ago i was grateful for the fact i'm still here, noow i regret it. Aside from the fact i should never have been born, i should have died. They should have let me die. But they didn't and i'm still here. Which brings me back to work. Cos of all that shit they've decided to put me down as a "leaver" so i now apparently no lonbger work for fucking William Hill. And they don't have to fucking pay me sick pay.

How very fucking convinient you complete fucking bastards. If you were trying to ruin my life CONGRATUFUCKINGLATIONS you've succeeded. have a fucking medal. I now have no money. And bacause you're claiming i "left" i won't beentitled to any fucking benefits either. So now i can't afford my rent. And now i can't afford to live.

So tell me again, what is the point? If i can't afford to live then i have no right to be on this earth. All i ever do is fuck up.

Hello world. My name is Beki. And i'm a FUCK UP.

My life is worth shit. There are people out there who deserve to live more than me. I should be dead. My corpse should be rotting in a grave where i belong. I don't belong here amongst the living. Life is for good people, who do good things, who make poeple happy, who deseve to be here. I DO NOT deserve to live. And if a bus hits me tomorrow then so fucking be it.

I'm a train wreck when it comes to people i care about. I mess them up. I posion them I fuck up ntheir lives bit by fucking bit. No-one should be around me. If they won't kill me the best thing they can do is lock me away, far away from any other living person so i can't screw up anyone else whilst i'm on a one way ticket to hell and my own deserved destruction.

This isn't a suicide note. I'm not going to kill myself. I'm going toi leave that up to God. Can you hear me God? Its me, the girl whose life is fucked up. Don't suppose YOU had anything to do with that did You? If You did, do the right thing and let me die some other way. Its the least You can do. Make things right again. Make everyone happy again. Please. That's all i want.

I am beyond help. But those i love aren't. They can be saved. You can save them. Take me. Sacrifice me, and let them live long happy lives. Please. I am fucking begging you. If you can hear me, then help me. Take me and lets make this right. Look after them. I can't. I tried and i failed. Help them, please.

I'll stop writing now. I think my head may explode. There's too much for me to cope with right now. Im sorry

A show of envy is an insult to oneself

Don't know why i chose that particular quote...

Today's subject is envy. I'm envious of everyone who is Download Festival. I'm envious that they could afford to go. I'm envious that they are well enough to work. I'm envious that they, unlike me aren't messed up in the head.

I shouldn't care, but for some reason its really really getting to me. Instead of being at a festival I'm at home in bed (hiding from my bf's landlord). I should be out there, not in here.

Oh and the paranoia is back with a vengence. Mainly against any female with a pulse who knows my bf. I've had it before, the pananoia that eats away at me, the scenarios my head creates and plays back to me over and over again. There's a new female, don't know how she knows him, but she's getting to close. Or at least that's what my crazy ol' head is telling me.

I think my mind is still adujusting to the lowered dosage of Ciatalopram. Still have low mood. Still have no appitite. Still feeling tearful. Still want to self harm. I keep telling myself i only have to get through till wednesday (next appoinment with doctor) but it seems so far away.

Guess i'll just have to carry on distracting myself

And I Don' Want The World To See Me...

Some days i can't bring myself to even get out of bed. Today, is one of those days.

I'm getting down again. I can feel it. Believe me, 10 years or so of being depressed and you kind of get a sixth sense for it. The bitch of the matter is I feel like I'm powerless to stop this. I've been told to cut my meds down to only 10mg of Citalopram. Well seeing as 20mg never seemed to do that much good, I'm really not feeling any better on half the amount.

It's days like this, i wonder what the point of life is? Let's just take a look at my life right now. I'm off sick from work. A job that i may have lost due to sending in a sick note late (because i was in hospital following a suicide attempt). they've stopped paying me sick pay, but unless they fire me or make me redundant i can't claim for any financial help. And lets not forget my illness apparently isn't severe enough to apply for DLA. Despite the fact i do need looking after. Especially on days like this. Even if i left my current job, I'm currently not fit for work. And even if i was, what company is going to take on someone who was off sick for 4 months, and suffers from depression and a borderline personality disorder? None. They won't come near me with a barge pole. Yes technically that is discrimination but they aren't exactly going to tell me why i wasn't hired. I'll just be ignored.

And i can't go back to my current job. Any other company and maybe, I'd be able to. But not this one. Considering the fact they haven't even been in contact with me for the past 3 months, are ignoring my phone calls and my emails, i really don't think I'm wanted back. I'd be back to doing 35 hours a week straight away, back on my own nearly all the time cos I'm full time in a part time team and i wouldn't get any help i need, I'd just be left to my own devices, which in my opinion would just make me relapse, badly. I won't name what company that is, but its shocking considering how well known they are.

Today i should have gotten up, need to do the washing, the washing up, check my post, see my friends, but none of that's happening. I don't even see the point in getting dressed. Or eating. Though that's more down to the fact i have no appetite today.

Perhaps when the OH comes home he might be able to persuade me to do something, but without any motivation or encouragement, I'm going nowhere and doing nothing.

This better be worth it, i hope the new antidepressants work.