Showing posts with label mental. Show all posts
Showing posts with label mental. Show all posts

Monday, 4 July 2011

Catching The Bus

I know i said I was giving this blog up, but i needed to make this post:

I now know when the Correction is taking place. This friday. Good Me told me I have to try and get help first. So I’ll make a doctors appointment.

But they won’t help, and they won’t care. So onto my plan. I did’t want to OD as its so unpredictable but I’ve been doing my research and think i’ve found a good combination of drugs that will do the job. Obviously I can’t be at home, so i’ll have to go somewhere, I’m thinking the park. But then part of me also wants to jump off the highest building I can find. If i’m dosed up on meds I wouldn’t feel the pain right?

You might ask why I’m doing this. You will ask after I’ve done it. The simple reason is, I can’t fight this illness anymore. I’m done.

It made me lose my job. It made me get into debt. It made me try and kill myself and hurt my then bf and parents. It made me reliant on benefits. It made me lose the one person who really cared for me, and it made him ill through caring for me. It made me hurt myself and made me live with the scars. It made me be a burden on the state, the nhs and the ones i love. It took all the good from my life and turned it bad. It changed me from a fun, bubbly outgoing person to a hollow empty shell. It’s ruined my life.

I have several apologies to make:

I’m sorry for being a broken record.
I’m sorry for saying the same shit over and over again.
I’m sorry i can’t cope.
I’m sorry i’ve slipped up.
I’m sorry for being weak.
I’m sorry for being pathetic.
I’m sorry for being a burden.
I’m sorry for you having to cope with me.
I’m sorry i can’t be someone else.
I’m sorry i’m getting worse, not better.
I’m sorry for you having to pick up the pieces.
I’m sorry for being moody and miserable.
I’m sorry for not bing happy.
I’m sorry i don’t smile anymore.
I’m sorry i’ve let you down.
I’m sorry for being alive, when i should be dead.

I really can’t do this any longer. I’m not getting better. I know people don’t see mental illness as terminal but for me it is, Because its going to result in my death. I just want to feel peace. Yes this will hurt my friends and loved ones, but the pain won’t last forever, it will pass. And to be honest I’ve put up with this pain for nearly 14 years. I put up with it because I didn’t want my loved ones to suffer. But i can’t do this anymore. I’m sorry if this hurts you but I’;m hurting too and I need this escape. If i was a wounded animal in pain, you’d do the humane thing and put me down. That’s how you need to see my death.

Considering the magnitude of what I’m going to do in 4 days time I am feeling calm. I’ve accepted this is the end,and that my time has come.

I love you
I’m sorry.

Monday, 8 June 2009

Diagnosis

So after my appointment with the Psychiatrist i have a diagnoisis.

I'm NOT bipolar, but my depression is is the "bi-polar spectrum", meaning that if i get another "hyper" episode i may be at risk of developingBi-Polar later on.

No i have "Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder" more commeonly known by its American name of Borderline Personality Disorder.

Borderline, or Emotionally Unstable

  • impulsive
  • find it hard to control emotions
  • feel bad about yourself
  • often self-harm, e.g. cutting yourself or making suicide attempts
  • feel 'empty’
  • make relationships quickly, but easily lose them
  • can feel paranoid or depressed
  • when stressed, may hear noises or voices
I guess that is me in a nutshell.
I'm going to be starting a new anti-depressent and i have a follow up appointment in 3 months. Its weird. For ages i've wanted to to know whats wrong with me, but now i finally know, i wish i didn't. I don;t like the idea that somehow my personality (whihc lets face it is ME) is flawed. I am flawed.

http://www.personalitydisorder.org.uk/

Oh well this bit is reassuring:
"Borderline Personality Disorder is NOT impossible to treat. It is difficult to treat as it involves
challenging ingrained beliefs and characteristics.However, withthe correct treatment,BPD traits can be successfully understood and managed. Also, as more research is being done in this field we can be optimistic that treatment opportunities will both improve and increase."

Maybe i should include a better explanation?

"

Borderline Personality Disorder is one of ten personality disorders recognised by the DSM IV.

A personality disorder is a type of mental illness and to be diagnosed particular criteria must be met. With personality disorders, the symptoms have usually been present for a long time. These symptoms have an overall negative affect on the sufferer’s life.

One of the core signs and symptoms in BPD is the proneness to impulsive behaviour. This impulsiveness can manifest itself in negative ways. For example, self-harm is common among individuals with BPD and in many instances, this is an impulsive act. Sufferers of BPD can also be prone to angry outbursts and possibly criminal offences (mainly in male sufferers) as a result of impulsive urges.

Another common feature of BPD is affective lability. This means that sufferers have trouble stabilising moods and as a result, mood changes can become erratic. Other characteristics of this condition include reality distortion, tendency to see things in ‘black and white’ terms, excessive behaviour such as gambling or sexual promiscuity, and proneness to depression.
(To learn more about symptoms and diagnostic criteria please go to the section on diagnostic criteria.)

These traits can sometimes make it very difficult for a person to maintain a relationship with someone with BPD as their behaviour and actions can be difficult to tolerate and hard to understand. It is important for persons close to a BPD sufferer to educate themselves on the condition so they can empathise with what the sufferer is going through and how they are feeling.

BPD is not usually diagnosed before adolescence. It has been suggested that BPD symptoms can sometimes improve as time goes on or even disappear all together. This is not always the case however as BPD can continue to affect sufferers well into later life.

Traits from other mental illnesses and psychological conditions from the DSM IV can often co-exist in BPD patients. These are usually anxiety disorders, eating disorders, obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) and bipolar disorder (also known as manic depression).

Is borderline personality disorder a mental illness?

Yes! A mental illness is an illness that affects a person’s behaviour primarily rather than their physical well-being. BPD is considered by medical practitioners to be a severe psychiatric disorder. It is recognised as such by the DSM IV.

Mental illness is often not taken as seriously as physiological illness even though it is very common and can be very debilitating. It is often viewed as moodiness, craziness or a weakness when it is in fact a genuine illness that can be caused by physiological factors. People have as much control over developing a mental illness as they do over catching a cold. Like physical illness, mental illness needs treatment and is not something that someone can just will to go away.

Why the name borderline?

The name borderline was coined by Adolph Stern in 1938. This name was used to describe patients who were on a ‘borderline’ between neurosis and psychosis. However, the symptoms of BPD are not so simplistic as to be defined in terms of neurotic and psychotic. The diagnosis of BPD is based upon signs of emotional instability, feelings of depression and emptiness, identity and behavioural issues rather than signs of neurosis and psychosis. However, the name Borderline has remained even though the definition has changed. Throughout Europe, the same disorder has been given the more appropriate and less misleading title of ‘Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder."-Taken from http://www.bpdworld.org/bpd_index.php


You know, despite looking it up i'm still none the wiser as to what my diagnosis means for me. But i guess we'll just ahve to wait and see. being started on another antidpressent next week, hopefully that won't annihlate my sex drive as Citalopram has!



Wednesday, 27 May 2009

Welcome...

So this is the first blog entry.

I guess a history lesson might be in order. I'm 22. Female. And right now I'm off sick from my job. The reason? Well, i have severe depression. I'm also prone to self harm and a chronic need to want to kill myself. Great way to break the ice, no?

Anyway, I've been like this for half my life, so technically most of my life. It started way way back in secondary school. I was bullied from age 11 to 16 (what can I say-I must have been a good victim), and remember first being depressed around age 11. The self harm (or if you prefer-self mutilation-but I don't so I won't be using that again) started around age 12 and I first attempted suicide aged 16. By the oh-so-classy and so orginal method of overdoing on painkillers.

Moving onto now, I went to University..I graduated from University (a 2:2, not bad for a girl with untreated chronic depression). And I got a job. It was going ok but then I had *drumroll please* a nervous breakdown back in February and I've been off sick ever since.

So that brings you up to speed with me!

I figure this would also be a handy place to blog about my expereinces with meds and of course the mental health service.

So enjoy!