Catching The Bus

I know i said I was giving this blog up, but i needed to make this post:

I now know when the Correction is taking place. This friday. Good Me told me I have to try and get help first. So I’ll make a doctors appointment.

But they won’t help, and they won’t care. So onto my plan. I did’t want to OD as its so unpredictable but I’ve been doing my research and think i’ve found a good combination of drugs that will do the job. Obviously I can’t be at home, so i’ll have to go somewhere, I’m thinking the park. But then part of me also wants to jump off the highest building I can find. If i’m dosed up on meds I wouldn’t feel the pain right?

You might ask why I’m doing this. You will ask after I’ve done it. The simple reason is, I can’t fight this illness anymore. I’m done.

It made me lose my job. It made me get into debt. It made me try and kill myself and hurt my then bf and parents. It made me reliant on benefits. It made me lose the one person who really cared for me, and it made him ill through caring for me. It made me hurt myself and made me live with the scars. It made me be a burden on the state, the nhs and the ones i love. It took all the good from my life and turned it bad. It changed me from a fun, bubbly outgoing person to a hollow empty shell. It’s ruined my life.

I have several apologies to make:

I’m sorry for being a broken record.
I’m sorry for saying the same shit over and over again.
I’m sorry i can’t cope.
I’m sorry i’ve slipped up.
I’m sorry for being weak.
I’m sorry for being pathetic.
I’m sorry for being a burden.
I’m sorry for you having to cope with me.
I’m sorry i can’t be someone else.
I’m sorry i’m getting worse, not better.
I’m sorry for you having to pick up the pieces.
I’m sorry for being moody and miserable.
I’m sorry for not bing happy.
I’m sorry i don’t smile anymore.
I’m sorry i’ve let you down.
I’m sorry for being alive, when i should be dead.

I really can’t do this any longer. I’m not getting better. I know people don’t see mental illness as terminal but for me it is, Because its going to result in my death. I just want to feel peace. Yes this will hurt my friends and loved ones, but the pain won’t last forever, it will pass. And to be honest I’ve put up with this pain for nearly 14 years. I put up with it because I didn’t want my loved ones to suffer. But i can’t do this anymore. I’m sorry if this hurts you but I’;m hurting too and I need this escape. If i was a wounded animal in pain, you’d do the humane thing and put me down. That’s how you need to see my death.

Considering the magnitude of what I’m going to do in 4 days time I am feeling calm. I’ve accepted this is the end,and that my time has come.

I love you
I’m sorry.

Slipped Up

I knew it was too much of a good thing to think i'd never hurt myself again.

I guess the only positive is that i'm restricted as to where i can do it.

Why?! Why did i have to do it? I was doing ok, i was doing good for me. It'd be nearly 3 weeks. 3 weeks free of SI. No fresh scars. No i've fucked up. Back to square one. Back to being a fucking failure again.

I think i have a doctors appointment tomorrow but i've lost my appointment card so who fucking knows. There's nothing they can do anyway. Upping the trazadone will jus zombify me. Though maybe that isn't the worst of things. I don't want to be concious. Cos if i'm concious i'm thinking. If i'm concious i'm feeling. If i'm concious i'm hurting. I just want somthing to knock me out. Something to numb these stupid fucking feelings that have taken over my mind.

I feel bad for him. This is what he has to come home to. Why can't i be the person i was when we first met? This isn't fair on him. He has to keep picking up the sodding pices from my fallout. I'm a selfish bitch for letting him do that. I want him to be happy. Really happy.

I don't know if i can make him happy anymore.

I know i keep saying it, but i can't stop myself thinking of how i'd be better off dead. You're probably thinking stop going on about it and do something about it. But i can't. I have to be certain. If i try and kill myself again, i will succeed. That's why i have to be 110% certain. Cos i've had my second chance and i won't get another. Its like i have to keep killing myself as a last resort. For when there is no future. For when i'm certain i will never get better and be normal. For when everyone else has given up on me.

I Don't Like Mondays...

I swear it always rains on Mondays, and my mood always dips into some kind of oblivion. In an ideal world I would have gotten up nice and early, walked over to my house, and started packing.

I have 2 weeks exactly till M-Day (that's Moving day). Yes in 2 weeks i get turfed out of my current house, and because they throw us out on the 29th June and can't move in to the new house till 1st July...i have to lug all of my stuff back to my parents house for a night.

My current landlord infuriates me...i love how we have to be out by the 29th yet I'm 99% sure last years tenants weren't out by then. Double standards. And if he expects us to clear out that bloody cellar he can go and jump. I bet i get deductions for that stupid blind in my room that's been broken since i moved in.

How i long for the day when i don't have to move every year! It would be nice to have somewhere to actually call home!

In other news, I'm expecting a call from none other than William Hill. I was told someone would be in contact about the whole sick pay fiasco. Nothing so far. I'll be honest it is really really stressing me out, there's a chance they might ask me to go in for a meeting. I can't do it. I can't sit there whilst they grill me over my absence. I'm suffering from depression and a personality disorder. Sitting in a room full of people who are essentially going to accuse me of being a liar and who won't believe a word i say isn't going to make me any better. I'm worried it's going to make me relapse, i'm scared of what i might do. I have a bad feeling i'm going to fall to pieces in front of them, and to make it worse here's no-one i can take with me.

I Hit Rock Bottom..Again

Angry.PissedOff.Insane.Depressed.Pathetic.Annoyed. Anxious.Guilty.Crazy.Sad.
Hateful.Despicable.Unworthy.Lost.Confused.Hurt.Psy chotic.Destructive.Usless.

I am all of those things, and probably more.

My life is officially out of my control. Gone. Kaput. I don't know what to do anymore. Everything i do goes wrong. Everything i touch turns to shit. Anyone i get close to, i fuck up.

I need a reason. Give me a reason to live. Because right now i am not living i am merely existing. And its a pitiful existance at that. I have depression and borerline personality disorder. I'm not well enoigh to work. I was late sending of a sick note because like the selfish self centered bitch i am i tried to OD. Correction did OD. And nearly died. About a week ago i was grateful for the fact i'm still here, noow i regret it. Aside from the fact i should never have been born, i should have died. They should have let me die. But they didn't and i'm still here. Which brings me back to work. Cos of all that shit they've decided to put me down as a "leaver" so i now apparently no lonbger work for fucking William Hill. And they don't have to fucking pay me sick pay.

How very fucking convinient you complete fucking bastards. If you were trying to ruin my life CONGRATUFUCKINGLATIONS you've succeeded. have a fucking medal. I now have no money. And bacause you're claiming i "left" i won't beentitled to any fucking benefits either. So now i can't afford my rent. And now i can't afford to live.

So tell me again, what is the point? If i can't afford to live then i have no right to be on this earth. All i ever do is fuck up.

Hello world. My name is Beki. And i'm a FUCK UP.

My life is worth shit. There are people out there who deserve to live more than me. I should be dead. My corpse should be rotting in a grave where i belong. I don't belong here amongst the living. Life is for good people, who do good things, who make poeple happy, who deseve to be here. I DO NOT deserve to live. And if a bus hits me tomorrow then so fucking be it.

I'm a train wreck when it comes to people i care about. I mess them up. I posion them I fuck up ntheir lives bit by fucking bit. No-one should be around me. If they won't kill me the best thing they can do is lock me away, far away from any other living person so i can't screw up anyone else whilst i'm on a one way ticket to hell and my own deserved destruction.

This isn't a suicide note. I'm not going to kill myself. I'm going toi leave that up to God. Can you hear me God? Its me, the girl whose life is fucked up. Don't suppose YOU had anything to do with that did You? If You did, do the right thing and let me die some other way. Its the least You can do. Make things right again. Make everyone happy again. Please. That's all i want.

I am beyond help. But those i love aren't. They can be saved. You can save them. Take me. Sacrifice me, and let them live long happy lives. Please. I am fucking begging you. If you can hear me, then help me. Take me and lets make this right. Look after them. I can't. I tried and i failed. Help them, please.

I'll stop writing now. I think my head may explode. There's too much for me to cope with right now. Im sorry

A show of envy is an insult to oneself

Don't know why i chose that particular quote...

Today's subject is envy. I'm envious of everyone who is Download Festival. I'm envious that they could afford to go. I'm envious that they are well enough to work. I'm envious that they, unlike me aren't messed up in the head.

I shouldn't care, but for some reason its really really getting to me. Instead of being at a festival I'm at home in bed (hiding from my bf's landlord). I should be out there, not in here.

Oh and the paranoia is back with a vengence. Mainly against any female with a pulse who knows my bf. I've had it before, the pananoia that eats away at me, the scenarios my head creates and plays back to me over and over again. There's a new female, don't know how she knows him, but she's getting to close. Or at least that's what my crazy ol' head is telling me.

I think my mind is still adujusting to the lowered dosage of Ciatalopram. Still have low mood. Still have no appitite. Still feeling tearful. Still want to self harm. I keep telling myself i only have to get through till wednesday (next appoinment with doctor) but it seems so far away.

Guess i'll just have to carry on distracting myself

And I Don' Want The World To See Me...

Some days i can't bring myself to even get out of bed. Today, is one of those days.

I'm getting down again. I can feel it. Believe me, 10 years or so of being depressed and you kind of get a sixth sense for it. The bitch of the matter is I feel like I'm powerless to stop this. I've been told to cut my meds down to only 10mg of Citalopram. Well seeing as 20mg never seemed to do that much good, I'm really not feeling any better on half the amount.

It's days like this, i wonder what the point of life is? Let's just take a look at my life right now. I'm off sick from work. A job that i may have lost due to sending in a sick note late (because i was in hospital following a suicide attempt). they've stopped paying me sick pay, but unless they fire me or make me redundant i can't claim for any financial help. And lets not forget my illness apparently isn't severe enough to apply for DLA. Despite the fact i do need looking after. Especially on days like this. Even if i left my current job, I'm currently not fit for work. And even if i was, what company is going to take on someone who was off sick for 4 months, and suffers from depression and a borderline personality disorder? None. They won't come near me with a barge pole. Yes technically that is discrimination but they aren't exactly going to tell me why i wasn't hired. I'll just be ignored.

And i can't go back to my current job. Any other company and maybe, I'd be able to. But not this one. Considering the fact they haven't even been in contact with me for the past 3 months, are ignoring my phone calls and my emails, i really don't think I'm wanted back. I'd be back to doing 35 hours a week straight away, back on my own nearly all the time cos I'm full time in a part time team and i wouldn't get any help i need, I'd just be left to my own devices, which in my opinion would just make me relapse, badly. I won't name what company that is, but its shocking considering how well known they are.

Today i should have gotten up, need to do the washing, the washing up, check my post, see my friends, but none of that's happening. I don't even see the point in getting dressed. Or eating. Though that's more down to the fact i have no appetite today.

Perhaps when the OH comes home he might be able to persuade me to do something, but without any motivation or encouragement, I'm going nowhere and doing nothing.

This better be worth it, i hope the new antidepressants work.

Life And Death

It's only now, that I look back and realise how close to death I came on thursday. I had a seizure. And i think i may have been resusitated (though no-one has said). Its scared the shit out of me. I put my family, my boyfriend through HELL.

I keep getting flashbacks.

I'm lucky that he called for an ambulance. He saved my life.

I'm making a promise here, i promise i am NEVER going to do that again.

I have a second chance at life. A second chance to live. And i'm going to make the most of it.

Close Call

So i've now expereinced the real hell that is an overdose. I OD on god knows what (40 tablets of various meds) on thursday night, and only got out of hospital yesterday, Apparently during my time there i had a seizure. I have no memory of this.

But i do remember the blood tests, still have the bruises from them.

I actually nearly died. And that scares the SHIT out of me. Never again.

From this pooint forward i'm in RECOVERY. I will get better.

Counselling 101

This is my...4th attempt at counselling.

It took a month for the freferal via my GP to go through and yesterday was the first session.

I'll be honest. I wasn't expecting it to be that great.

But I'm pleased to say, it was actually better than expected. The Counseller (from now on referred to as C) was friendly, and professional. She explained everything to me and really put me at ease. I told her all about my history and she told me what to expect from the counselling services.

She thinks her colleague is better placed to treat me as a)she specialises in CBT, b)she has hourly sessions, c)said sessions are weekly and d)they go on for longer.

It all depends however on what happens on Monday.

because Monday is D-Day. Or should that be P-Day? I'm off to see the Psychiarist from now on referred to as P). The C doesn't think that the P will take me on, as those services are for "more severe" cases. that said the fact I hear voices (though i'd describe it more as hearing thoughts) may in fact make me the ideal candidate.

We will just have to wait and see.

But for now, I'm impressed that the counseeling went well.

Welcome...

So this is the first blog entry.

I guess a history lesson might be in order. I'm 22. Female. And right now I'm off sick from my job. The reason? Well, i have severe depression. I'm also prone to self harm and a chronic need to want to kill myself. Great way to break the ice, no?

Anyway, I've been like this for half my life, so technically most of my life. It started way way back in secondary school. I was bullied from age 11 to 16 (what can I say-I must have been a good victim), and remember first being depressed around age 11. The self harm (or if you prefer-self mutilation-but I don't so I won't be using that again) started around age 12 and I first attempted suicide aged 16. By the oh-so-classy and so orginal method of overdoing on painkillers.

Moving onto now, I went to University..I graduated from University (a 2:2, not bad for a girl with untreated chronic depression). And I got a job. It was going ok but then I had *drumroll please* a nervous breakdown back in February and I've been off sick ever since.

So that brings you up to speed with me!

I figure this would also be a handy place to blog about my expereinces with meds and of course the mental health service.

So enjoy!