I Don't Like Mondays...

I swear it always rains on Mondays, and my mood always dips into some kind of oblivion. In an ideal world I would have gotten up nice and early, walked over to my house, and started packing.

I have 2 weeks exactly till M-Day (that's Moving day). Yes in 2 weeks i get turfed out of my current house, and because they throw us out on the 29th June and can't move in to the new house till 1st July...i have to lug all of my stuff back to my parents house for a night.

My current landlord infuriates me...i love how we have to be out by the 29th yet I'm 99% sure last years tenants weren't out by then. Double standards. And if he expects us to clear out that bloody cellar he can go and jump. I bet i get deductions for that stupid blind in my room that's been broken since i moved in.

How i long for the day when i don't have to move every year! It would be nice to have somewhere to actually call home!

In other news, I'm expecting a call from none other than William Hill. I was told someone would be in contact about the whole sick pay fiasco. Nothing so far. I'll be honest it is really really stressing me out, there's a chance they might ask me to go in for a meeting. I can't do it. I can't sit there whilst they grill me over my absence. I'm suffering from depression and a personality disorder. Sitting in a room full of people who are essentially going to accuse me of being a liar and who won't believe a word i say isn't going to make me any better. I'm worried it's going to make me relapse, i'm scared of what i might do. I have a bad feeling i'm going to fall to pieces in front of them, and to make it worse here's no-one i can take with me.

And I Don' Want The World To See Me...

Some days i can't bring myself to even get out of bed. Today, is one of those days.

I'm getting down again. I can feel it. Believe me, 10 years or so of being depressed and you kind of get a sixth sense for it. The bitch of the matter is I feel like I'm powerless to stop this. I've been told to cut my meds down to only 10mg of Citalopram. Well seeing as 20mg never seemed to do that much good, I'm really not feeling any better on half the amount.

It's days like this, i wonder what the point of life is? Let's just take a look at my life right now. I'm off sick from work. A job that i may have lost due to sending in a sick note late (because i was in hospital following a suicide attempt). they've stopped paying me sick pay, but unless they fire me or make me redundant i can't claim for any financial help. And lets not forget my illness apparently isn't severe enough to apply for DLA. Despite the fact i do need looking after. Especially on days like this. Even if i left my current job, I'm currently not fit for work. And even if i was, what company is going to take on someone who was off sick for 4 months, and suffers from depression and a borderline personality disorder? None. They won't come near me with a barge pole. Yes technically that is discrimination but they aren't exactly going to tell me why i wasn't hired. I'll just be ignored.

And i can't go back to my current job. Any other company and maybe, I'd be able to. But not this one. Considering the fact they haven't even been in contact with me for the past 3 months, are ignoring my phone calls and my emails, i really don't think I'm wanted back. I'd be back to doing 35 hours a week straight away, back on my own nearly all the time cos I'm full time in a part time team and i wouldn't get any help i need, I'd just be left to my own devices, which in my opinion would just make me relapse, badly. I won't name what company that is, but its shocking considering how well known they are.

Today i should have gotten up, need to do the washing, the washing up, check my post, see my friends, but none of that's happening. I don't even see the point in getting dressed. Or eating. Though that's more down to the fact i have no appetite today.

Perhaps when the OH comes home he might be able to persuade me to do something, but without any motivation or encouragement, I'm going nowhere and doing nothing.

This better be worth it, i hope the new antidepressants work.

Diagnosis

So after my appointment with the Psychiatrist i have a diagnoisis.

I'm NOT bipolar, but my depression is is the "bi-polar spectrum", meaning that if i get another "hyper" episode i may be at risk of developingBi-Polar later on.

No i have "Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder" more commeonly known by its American name of Borderline Personality Disorder.

Borderline, or Emotionally Unstable

• impulsive
• find it hard to control emotions
• feel bad about yourself
• often self-harm, e.g. cutting yourself or making suicide attempts
• feel 'empty’
• make relationships quickly, but easily lose them
• can feel paranoid or depressed
• when stressed, may hear noises or voices

I guess that is me in a nutshell.
I'm going to be starting a new anti-depressent and i have a follow up appointment in 3 months. Its weird. For ages i've wanted to to know whats wrong with me, but now i finally know, i wish i didn't. I don;t like the idea that somehow my personality (whihc lets face it is ME) is flawed. I am flawed.

http://www.personalitydisorder.org.uk/

Oh well this bit is reassuring:
"Borderline Personality Disorder is NOT impossible to treat. It is difficult to treat as it involves
challenging ingrained beliefs and characteristics.However, withthe correct treatment,BPD traits can be successfully understood and managed. Also, as more research is being done in this field we can be optimistic that treatment opportunities will both improve and increase."

Maybe i should include a better explanation?

"

Borderline Personality Disorder is one of ten personality disorders recognised by the DSM IV.

A personality disorder is a type of mental illness and to be diagnosed particular criteria must be met. With personality disorders, the symptoms have usually been present for a long time. These symptoms have an overall negative affect on the sufferer’s life.

One of the core signs and symptoms in BPD is the proneness to impulsive behaviour. This impulsiveness can manifest itself in negative ways. For example, self-harm is common among individuals with BPD and in many instances, this is an impulsive act. Sufferers of BPD can also be prone to angry outbursts and possibly criminal offences (mainly in male sufferers) as a result of impulsive urges.

Another common feature of BPD is affective lability. This means that sufferers have trouble stabilising moods and as a result, mood changes can become erratic. Other characteristics of this condition include reality distortion, tendency to see things in ‘black and white’ terms, excessive behaviour such as gambling or sexual promiscuity, and proneness to depression.
(To learn more about symptoms and diagnostic criteria please go to the section on diagnostic criteria.)

These traits can sometimes make it very difficult for a person to maintain a relationship with someone with BPD as their behaviour and actions can be difficult to tolerate and hard to understand. It is important for persons close to a BPD sufferer to educate themselves on the condition so they can empathise with what the sufferer is going through and how they are feeling.

BPD is not usually diagnosed before adolescence. It has been suggested that BPD symptoms can sometimes improve as time goes on or even disappear all together. This is not always the case however as BPD can continue to affect sufferers well into later life.

Traits from other mental illnesses and psychological conditions from the DSM IV can often co-exist in BPD patients. These are usually anxiety disorders, eating disorders, obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) and bipolar disorder (also known as manic depression).

Is borderline personality disorder a mental illness?

Yes! A mental illness is an illness that affects a person’s behaviour primarily rather than their physical well-being. BPD is considered by medical practitioners to be a severe psychiatric disorder. It is recognised as such by the DSM IV.

Mental illness is often not taken as seriously as physiological illness even though it is very common and can be very debilitating. It is often viewed as moodiness, craziness or a weakness when it is in fact a genuine illness that can be caused by physiological factors. People have as much control over developing a mental illness as they do over catching a cold. Like physical illness, mental illness needs treatment and is not something that someone can just will to go away.

Why the name borderline?

The name borderline was coined by Adolph Stern in 1938. This name was used to describe patients who were on a ‘borderline’ between neurosis and psychosis. However, the symptoms of BPD are not so simplistic as to be defined in terms of neurotic and psychotic. The diagnosis of BPD is based upon signs of emotional instability, feelings of depression and emptiness, identity and behavioural issues rather than signs of neurosis and psychosis. However, the name Borderline has remained even though the definition has changed. Throughout Europe, the same disorder has been given the more appropriate and less misleading title of ‘Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder."-Taken from http://www.bpdworld.org/bpd_index.php

You know, despite looking it up i'm still none the wiser as to what my diagnosis means for me. But i guess we'll just ahve to wait and see. being started on another antidpressent next week, hopefully that won't annihlate my sex drive as Citalopram has!