I Don't Like Mondays...

I swear it always rains on Mondays, and my mood always dips into some kind of oblivion. In an ideal world I would have gotten up nice and early, walked over to my house, and started packing.

I have 2 weeks exactly till M-Day (that's Moving day). Yes in 2 weeks i get turfed out of my current house, and because they throw us out on the 29th June and can't move in to the new house till 1st July...i have to lug all of my stuff back to my parents house for a night.

My current landlord infuriates me...i love how we have to be out by the 29th yet I'm 99% sure last years tenants weren't out by then. Double standards. And if he expects us to clear out that bloody cellar he can go and jump. I bet i get deductions for that stupid blind in my room that's been broken since i moved in.

How i long for the day when i don't have to move every year! It would be nice to have somewhere to actually call home!

In other news, I'm expecting a call from none other than William Hill. I was told someone would be in contact about the whole sick pay fiasco. Nothing so far. I'll be honest it is really really stressing me out, there's a chance they might ask me to go in for a meeting. I can't do it. I can't sit there whilst they grill me over my absence. I'm suffering from depression and a personality disorder. Sitting in a room full of people who are essentially going to accuse me of being a liar and who won't believe a word i say isn't going to make me any better. I'm worried it's going to make me relapse, i'm scared of what i might do. I have a bad feeling i'm going to fall to pieces in front of them, and to make it worse here's no-one i can take with me.

A show of envy is an insult to oneself

Don't know why i chose that particular quote...

Today's subject is envy. I'm envious of everyone who is Download Festival. I'm envious that they could afford to go. I'm envious that they are well enough to work. I'm envious that they, unlike me aren't messed up in the head.

I shouldn't care, but for some reason its really really getting to me. Instead of being at a festival I'm at home in bed (hiding from my bf's landlord). I should be out there, not in here.

Oh and the paranoia is back with a vengence. Mainly against any female with a pulse who knows my bf. I've had it before, the pananoia that eats away at me, the scenarios my head creates and plays back to me over and over again. There's a new female, don't know how she knows him, but she's getting to close. Or at least that's what my crazy ol' head is telling me.

I think my mind is still adujusting to the lowered dosage of Ciatalopram. Still have low mood. Still have no appitite. Still feeling tearful. Still want to self harm. I keep telling myself i only have to get through till wednesday (next appoinment with doctor) but it seems so far away.

Guess i'll just have to carry on distracting myself