A show of envy is an insult to oneself

Don't know why i chose that particular quote...

Today's subject is envy. I'm envious of everyone who is Download Festival. I'm envious that they could afford to go. I'm envious that they are well enough to work. I'm envious that they, unlike me aren't messed up in the head.

I shouldn't care, but for some reason its really really getting to me. Instead of being at a festival I'm at home in bed (hiding from my bf's landlord). I should be out there, not in here.

Oh and the paranoia is back with a vengence. Mainly against any female with a pulse who knows my bf. I've had it before, the pananoia that eats away at me, the scenarios my head creates and plays back to me over and over again. There's a new female, don't know how she knows him, but she's getting to close. Or at least that's what my crazy ol' head is telling me.

I think my mind is still adujusting to the lowered dosage of Ciatalopram. Still have low mood. Still have no appitite. Still feeling tearful. Still want to self harm. I keep telling myself i only have to get through till wednesday (next appoinment with doctor) but it seems so far away.

Guess i'll just have to carry on distracting myself

Welcome...

So this is the first blog entry.

I guess a history lesson might be in order. I'm 22. Female. And right now I'm off sick from my job. The reason? Well, i have severe depression. I'm also prone to self harm and a chronic need to want to kill myself. Great way to break the ice, no?

Anyway, I've been like this for half my life, so technically most of my life. It started way way back in secondary school. I was bullied from age 11 to 16 (what can I say-I must have been a good victim), and remember first being depressed around age 11. The self harm (or if you prefer-self mutilation-but I don't so I won't be using that again) started around age 12 and I first attempted suicide aged 16. By the oh-so-classy and so orginal method of overdoing on painkillers.

Moving onto now, I went to University..I graduated from University (a 2:2, not bad for a girl with untreated chronic depression). And I got a job. It was going ok but then I had *drumroll please* a nervous breakdown back in February and I've been off sick ever since.

So that brings you up to speed with me!

I figure this would also be a handy place to blog about my expereinces with meds and of course the mental health service.

So enjoy!