Catching The Bus

I know i said I was giving this blog up, but i needed to make this post:

I now know when the Correction is taking place. This friday. Good Me told me I have to try and get help first. So I’ll make a doctors appointment.

But they won’t help, and they won’t care. So onto my plan. I did’t want to OD as its so unpredictable but I’ve been doing my research and think i’ve found a good combination of drugs that will do the job. Obviously I can’t be at home, so i’ll have to go somewhere, I’m thinking the park. But then part of me also wants to jump off the highest building I can find. If i’m dosed up on meds I wouldn’t feel the pain right?

You might ask why I’m doing this. You will ask after I’ve done it. The simple reason is, I can’t fight this illness anymore. I’m done.

It made me lose my job. It made me get into debt. It made me try and kill myself and hurt my then bf and parents. It made me reliant on benefits. It made me lose the one person who really cared for me, and it made him ill through caring for me. It made me hurt myself and made me live with the scars. It made me be a burden on the state, the nhs and the ones i love. It took all the good from my life and turned it bad. It changed me from a fun, bubbly outgoing person to a hollow empty shell. It’s ruined my life.

I have several apologies to make:

I’m sorry for being a broken record.
I’m sorry for saying the same shit over and over again.
I’m sorry i can’t cope.
I’m sorry i’ve slipped up.
I’m sorry for being weak.
I’m sorry for being pathetic.
I’m sorry for being a burden.
I’m sorry for you having to cope with me.
I’m sorry i can’t be someone else.
I’m sorry i’m getting worse, not better.
I’m sorry for you having to pick up the pieces.
I’m sorry for being moody and miserable.
I’m sorry for not bing happy.
I’m sorry i don’t smile anymore.
I’m sorry i’ve let you down.
I’m sorry for being alive, when i should be dead.

I really can’t do this any longer. I’m not getting better. I know people don’t see mental illness as terminal but for me it is, Because its going to result in my death. I just want to feel peace. Yes this will hurt my friends and loved ones, but the pain won’t last forever, it will pass. And to be honest I’ve put up with this pain for nearly 14 years. I put up with it because I didn’t want my loved ones to suffer. But i can’t do this anymore. I’m sorry if this hurts you but I’;m hurting too and I need this escape. If i was a wounded animal in pain, you’d do the humane thing and put me down. That’s how you need to see my death.

Considering the magnitude of what I’m going to do in 4 days time I am feeling calm. I’ve accepted this is the end,and that my time has come.

I love you
I’m sorry.

Slipped Up

I knew it was too much of a good thing to think i'd never hurt myself again.

I guess the only positive is that i'm restricted as to where i can do it.

Why?! Why did i have to do it? I was doing ok, i was doing good for me. It'd be nearly 3 weeks. 3 weeks free of SI. No fresh scars. No i've fucked up. Back to square one. Back to being a fucking failure again.

I think i have a doctors appointment tomorrow but i've lost my appointment card so who fucking knows. There's nothing they can do anyway. Upping the trazadone will jus zombify me. Though maybe that isn't the worst of things. I don't want to be concious. Cos if i'm concious i'm thinking. If i'm concious i'm feeling. If i'm concious i'm hurting. I just want somthing to knock me out. Something to numb these stupid fucking feelings that have taken over my mind.

I feel bad for him. This is what he has to come home to. Why can't i be the person i was when we first met? This isn't fair on him. He has to keep picking up the sodding pices from my fallout. I'm a selfish bitch for letting him do that. I want him to be happy. Really happy.

I don't know if i can make him happy anymore.

I know i keep saying it, but i can't stop myself thinking of how i'd be better off dead. You're probably thinking stop going on about it and do something about it. But i can't. I have to be certain. If i try and kill myself again, i will succeed. That's why i have to be 110% certain. Cos i've had my second chance and i won't get another. Its like i have to keep killing myself as a last resort. For when there is no future. For when i'm certain i will never get better and be normal. For when everyone else has given up on me.

Life And Death

It's only now, that I look back and realise how close to death I came on thursday. I had a seizure. And i think i may have been resusitated (though no-one has said). Its scared the shit out of me. I put my family, my boyfriend through HELL.

I keep getting flashbacks.

I'm lucky that he called for an ambulance. He saved my life.

I'm making a promise here, i promise i am NEVER going to do that again.

I have a second chance at life. A second chance to live. And i'm going to make the most of it.

Close Call

So i've now expereinced the real hell that is an overdose. I OD on god knows what (40 tablets of various meds) on thursday night, and only got out of hospital yesterday, Apparently during my time there i had a seizure. I have no memory of this.

But i do remember the blood tests, still have the bruises from them.

I actually nearly died. And that scares the SHIT out of me. Never again.

From this pooint forward i'm in RECOVERY. I will get better.

Welcome...

So this is the first blog entry.

I guess a history lesson might be in order. I'm 22. Female. And right now I'm off sick from my job. The reason? Well, i have severe depression. I'm also prone to self harm and a chronic need to want to kill myself. Great way to break the ice, no?

Anyway, I've been like this for half my life, so technically most of my life. It started way way back in secondary school. I was bullied from age 11 to 16 (what can I say-I must have been a good victim), and remember first being depressed around age 11. The self harm (or if you prefer-self mutilation-but I don't so I won't be using that again) started around age 12 and I first attempted suicide aged 16. By the oh-so-classy and so orginal method of overdoing on painkillers.

Moving onto now, I went to University..I graduated from University (a 2:2, not bad for a girl with untreated chronic depression). And I got a job. It was going ok but then I had *drumroll please* a nervous breakdown back in February and I've been off sick ever since.

So that brings you up to speed with me!

I figure this would also be a handy place to blog about my expereinces with meds and of course the mental health service.

So enjoy!