I Hit Rock Bottom..Again

Angry.PissedOff.Insane.Depressed.Pathetic.Annoyed. Anxious.Guilty.Crazy.Sad.
Hateful.Despicable.Unworthy.Lost.Confused.Hurt.Psy chotic.Destructive.Usless.

I am all of those things, and probably more.

My life is officially out of my control. Gone. Kaput. I don't know what to do anymore. Everything i do goes wrong. Everything i touch turns to shit. Anyone i get close to, i fuck up.

I need a reason. Give me a reason to live. Because right now i am not living i am merely existing. And its a pitiful existance at that. I have depression and borerline personality disorder. I'm not well enoigh to work. I was late sending of a sick note because like the selfish self centered bitch i am i tried to OD. Correction did OD. And nearly died. About a week ago i was grateful for the fact i'm still here, noow i regret it. Aside from the fact i should never have been born, i should have died. They should have let me die. But they didn't and i'm still here. Which brings me back to work. Cos of all that shit they've decided to put me down as a "leaver" so i now apparently no lonbger work for fucking William Hill. And they don't have to fucking pay me sick pay.

How very fucking convinient you complete fucking bastards. If you were trying to ruin my life CONGRATUFUCKINGLATIONS you've succeeded. have a fucking medal. I now have no money. And bacause you're claiming i "left" i won't beentitled to any fucking benefits either. So now i can't afford my rent. And now i can't afford to live.

So tell me again, what is the point? If i can't afford to live then i have no right to be on this earth. All i ever do is fuck up.

Hello world. My name is Beki. And i'm a FUCK UP.

My life is worth shit. There are people out there who deserve to live more than me. I should be dead. My corpse should be rotting in a grave where i belong. I don't belong here amongst the living. Life is for good people, who do good things, who make poeple happy, who deseve to be here. I DO NOT deserve to live. And if a bus hits me tomorrow then so fucking be it.

I'm a train wreck when it comes to people i care about. I mess them up. I posion them I fuck up ntheir lives bit by fucking bit. No-one should be around me. If they won't kill me the best thing they can do is lock me away, far away from any other living person so i can't screw up anyone else whilst i'm on a one way ticket to hell and my own deserved destruction.

This isn't a suicide note. I'm not going to kill myself. I'm going toi leave that up to God. Can you hear me God? Its me, the girl whose life is fucked up. Don't suppose YOU had anything to do with that did You? If You did, do the right thing and let me die some other way. Its the least You can do. Make things right again. Make everyone happy again. Please. That's all i want.

I am beyond help. But those i love aren't. They can be saved. You can save them. Take me. Sacrifice me, and let them live long happy lives. Please. I am fucking begging you. If you can hear me, then help me. Take me and lets make this right. Look after them. I can't. I tried and i failed. Help them, please.

I'll stop writing now. I think my head may explode. There's too much for me to cope with right now. Im sorry