Catching The Bus

I know i said I was giving this blog up, but i needed to make this post:

I now know when the Correction is taking place. This friday. Good Me told me I have to try and get help first. So I’ll make a doctors appointment.

But they won’t help, and they won’t care. So onto my plan. I did’t want to OD as its so unpredictable but I’ve been doing my research and think i’ve found a good combination of drugs that will do the job. Obviously I can’t be at home, so i’ll have to go somewhere, I’m thinking the park. But then part of me also wants to jump off the highest building I can find. If i’m dosed up on meds I wouldn’t feel the pain right?

You might ask why I’m doing this. You will ask after I’ve done it. The simple reason is, I can’t fight this illness anymore. I’m done.

It made me lose my job. It made me get into debt. It made me try and kill myself and hurt my then bf and parents. It made me reliant on benefits. It made me lose the one person who really cared for me, and it made him ill through caring for me. It made me hurt myself and made me live with the scars. It made me be a burden on the state, the nhs and the ones i love. It took all the good from my life and turned it bad. It changed me from a fun, bubbly outgoing person to a hollow empty shell. It’s ruined my life.

I have several apologies to make:

I’m sorry for being a broken record.
I’m sorry for saying the same shit over and over again.
I’m sorry i can’t cope.
I’m sorry i’ve slipped up.
I’m sorry for being weak.
I’m sorry for being pathetic.
I’m sorry for being a burden.
I’m sorry for you having to cope with me.
I’m sorry i can’t be someone else.
I’m sorry i’m getting worse, not better.
I’m sorry for you having to pick up the pieces.
I’m sorry for being moody and miserable.
I’m sorry for not bing happy.
I’m sorry i don’t smile anymore.
I’m sorry i’ve let you down.
I’m sorry for being alive, when i should be dead.

I really can’t do this any longer. I’m not getting better. I know people don’t see mental illness as terminal but for me it is, Because its going to result in my death. I just want to feel peace. Yes this will hurt my friends and loved ones, but the pain won’t last forever, it will pass. And to be honest I’ve put up with this pain for nearly 14 years. I put up with it because I didn’t want my loved ones to suffer. But i can’t do this anymore. I’m sorry if this hurts you but I’;m hurting too and I need this escape. If i was a wounded animal in pain, you’d do the humane thing and put me down. That’s how you need to see my death.

Considering the magnitude of what I’m going to do in 4 days time I am feeling calm. I’ve accepted this is the end,and that my time has come.

I love you
I’m sorry.

This blog is no more

I'm giving up this blog*

Thanks for reading

*if you want in on the new blog if that happens email me at: fixmepleaseblog@gmail.com

Update

Ok, where to begin.

We split up, but we worked things out. I'm still a nutter.

It's 1am and I'm awake. I can't sleep. Meds wise i'm back on olanzapine, mainly because I was on flueoxtine but it sent me hypermanic again, and the quitiepine wasn't doing anything. I feel like i'm stuck in a rut. I want to feel normal.

A Poerm

The Truth Will Out Itself

Ignorance is bliss

So i tell myself each day

Its the only thing that gets me through

When i feel this way

Although i know the truth

Its not the true i want to see

I can't let myself admit

That you've lied to me

Can't admit i've been a fool

Can't beleive what i have seen

Can't take this all in

And count the lies there have been.

You've lied to my face

You've lied to me online

But whilst this shit has happened

You've pretended it's all fine.

Your lies will be your downfall

Your lies will damage your health

All because the truth rules supreme

The truth will out itself.

Please Help me Out

Clicky on this shizzle

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Nothing Tastes As Good As Thin Feels

I will be thin.

I will be perfect.

He will want me.

What do all these pretty emo scene girls have in common..they are all thin and perfect. There is no such thing as being FAT and pretty.

I'm sorry..still

Bother-Stone Sour

Wish I was too dead to cry
My self-affliction fades
Stones to throw at my creator
Masochists to which I cater
You don't need to bother;
I don't need to be
I'll keep slipping farther
But once I hold on,
I won't let go 'til it bleeds

Wish I was too dead to care
If indeed I cared at all
Never had a voice to protest
So you fed me shit to digest
I wish I had a reason;
my flaws are open season
For this, I gave up trying
One good turn deserves my dying

You don't need to bother;
I don't need to be
I'll keep slipping farther
But once I hold on,
I won't let go 'til it bleeds

[Solo: Corey]

Wish I'd died instead of lived
A zombie hides my face
Shell forgotten
with its memories
Diaries left
with cryptic entries

And you don't need to bother;
I don't need to be
I'll keep slipping farther
But once I hold on,
I won't let go 'til it bleeds

You don't need to bother;
I don't need to be
I'll keep slipping farther
But once I hold on:
I'll never live down my deceit

My Recent Infatuation With Hinder...

Yeah been listening to them a lot recently..awesome band..depressing songs!

So here are a few lyrics:

Far From Home

You said i'm always saying sorre for the same old things
I'm sorry for the drugs and how much I drink
You said I say it so much it doesn't mean anything
I'm sorry my love but I had to leave

I hope most of you will never know
What it's like to let a love go
Leaving everything at home
Everything you've ever known

I can't fix this from a phone
I'm sorry you feel so alone
It's like I told you
You're better off without me
I'm sick of saying sorry
So far from home

You keep calling and complaining that I just don't care
But would you say that if I was there
It's that picture you keep painting
That's causing your tears
I could set you straight if you were here

I can't fix this from a phone
I'm sorry you feel so alone
It's like I told you
You're better off without me
I'm sick of saying sorry
Oh I don't wanna string you along
And that's wy I'm letting you go
It's like I told you
You're better off without me
So far from home

And I don't know how many times I talked to you
And I can't count how many fight I fought with you

Better Than Me

I think you can do much better than me
After all the lies that I made you believe
Guilt kicks in and I start to see
The edge of the bed
Where your nightgown used to be
I told myself I won't miss you
But I remember
What it feels like beside you
I really miss your hair in my face
And the way your innocence tastes
And I think you should know this
You deserve much better than me

While looking through your old box of notes
I found those pictures I took
That you were looking for
If there's one memory I don't want to lose
That time at the mall
You and me in the dressing room
I told myself I won't miss you
But I remember
What it feels like beside you
I really miss your hair in my face
And the way your innocence tastes
And I think you should know this
You deserve much better than me

The bed I'm lying in is getting colder
Wish I never would've said it's over
And I can't pretend... I won't think about you when I'm older
Cause we never really had our closure
This can't be the end
I really miss your hair in my face
And the way your innocence tastes
And I think you should know this
You deserve much better than me
I really miss your hair in my face
And the way your innocence tastes
And I think you should know this
You deserve much better than me
(And I think you should know this)
(You deserve much better than me)

Bliss (I Don't Wanna Know)

(I don't wanna know)
(I don't wanna know)
(I don't wanna know)
I'll go ahead and pour myself a drink
I really couldn't care less what you think
Well I don't have to listen now
Live this day down
If I can't feel a thing
You might as well save your goodbyes
We can give this train wreck one last ride
I'm gonna have to listen now
Live this day down
If I don't make things right
I'll tell you one last time

I don't wanna know it's over
So save your goodbye kiss
I don't wanna know it's over
Cause ignorance is bliss
I can hardly see
What's in front of me
Cause the vodka's running on empty
I can't stay sober
If it's over
(I don't wanna know)
(I don't wanna know)
(I don't wanna know)
So save your goodbye kiss
(I don't wanna know)
(I don't wanna know)
(I don't wanna know)

I woke up with my heartbeat in my head
I reached for the bottle by the bed
I saw your side was not slept in
Cold sheets again
Remind me of what you said
We need to take a break for a while
It's been so long since I smiled
I don't wanna listen now
Live this day down
With you so drunk and high
So I'll say goodbye

I don't wanna know it's over
So save your goodbye kiss
I don't want to know it's over
Cause ignorance is bliss
I can hardly see
What's in front of me
Cause the vodka's running on empty
I can't stay sober
If it's over

I don't wanna know it's over
So save your goodbye kiss
I don't wanna know it's over
Cause ignorance is bliss
Now I know I can't stay sober
Cause you left me here like this
I don't wanna know
(I don't wanna know)
(I don't wanna know)
(I don't wanna know)
So save your goodbye kiss
(I don't wanna know)
(I don't wanna know)
(I don't wanna know)
Cause ignorance is bliss
I can hardly see
What's in front of me
Cause the vodka's running on empty
I can't stay sober
If it's over
If it's over
I don't wanna know
If it's over
If it's over
I don't wanna know

I'm sorry

I should talk instead of posting stuff here, i know.

Sometimes when i post on here i'm not even thinking, my hands just start typingm my emotions pour out. Its a bit like picking up a bottle of bbq sauce and it just spilling everywhere, its just out of your control.

I feel like, and i know i can be and am an inconsiderate twat at times. But if i kept all of this bottled up then i'd be dead by now.

I just can't talk about it. Telling someone you love that you honestly believe you are not only better off dea, but have planned it, is not something anyone should have to hear. I kidd myself into thinking i'm keeping you from harm if i just type it into this anonymouse mass of cyberspace.

I'm sorry. I just need to vent. I've always found keeping a diary helps. Sometimes i cant remember how bad i've been and it can be a shock to even me when i read some of the things i've written, but i can only imagine how much more a shock it must be for you to read. and i'm sorry for that.

:(

So This Goodbye.

I knew it would happen one day.

I knew not speaking to my dad would hold repurcussions for me at some point.

As a result of not having anything to do with him, i've also had ntohing to do with my Grandparents on his side for a good few years.

And now my nan has died.

:(

I wish i could say i feel sad, guilty, but if anything i feel numb. I can't believe this has happened.

And on top of this William Hill are claiming they overpaid me £591.91 in wages. Of course the first i hear of this is a message telling me to contact this company who i then find out are debt recovery. I ask them what the hell its about and the tell me that. Turns out the bastards have purposely used my old address knowing i wouldn't get the letters and would there for have to pay asap. Well fuck them. I'm going to CAB on wednesday.

I'm feeling really vunerable right now. I'm fragile. I don't think it will take much more to break me.

Help?

Damn.

I had the crazy thought to go to meadowhall to get out of the house. Well that plan is FUBARed. It shut at 7.

So now i have to find something to do.

I could get on with all the household chores which need doing.

OMG

Did i just here fucking gunshots :-O

I'm not even kidding..i heard a car go past then "bang-bang-bang". Unless it was a car exhaust or something.

I must be cracking up.

In short i'm bored, hence the second blog entry in a row today. But on the plus side my paranoia has eased considerably. So taht's one think i won't have to think about anymore. Well except for the other thing tha worrying me but that can wait.

Insecurities

I hate internet forums.

I hate how people who don't know you, can judge you. There are no repurcussions for them. They don't think about the person behind the screen. They don't think about that person's feelins, or state of mind. they don't care if what they say may be the something whihc pushes that person over the edge.

Me and my body are not having a good realtionship right now.

I hate the way i look. I hate myself.

I am fucking disgusting.

And its not just me who thinks so.

Apparently anyone over a size 12 is fat and disgusting etc. Although somewhat miracurously the thread in question has dissappeared.

I admit, my BPD doesn not help the situation. I have an "unstable" body image at the best of times. And i think in "black and white" terms, i.e all or nothing.

I can't just cut down on food, or cut things out and diet. I eat, or i don't eat. There is no fucking in between.

I know He doesn't mean it but when He tells me how hot other girls are (models for example) it shoots my confidence. I look at them and i think "i look NOTHING like that" so how can He even be attracted to me? I am fat, i am ugly. I am not thin, slim or pretty. I don't have small petite breasts.

I am so fucking insecure, and i hate myself for it. Its not even a case of embracing my figure because i am FAT. I am OVERWEIGHT. i am OBESE. i am DISGUSTING. i am UGLY. There is no hiding it.

I think its the reason i don't care if i self harm. I don't care if i scar myself, because i can't get any worse.

Still feeling like i should be dead. Still thinking if i don't die the least i can do is restrict. Maybe i'll lose some fucking weight that way.

A Severe Psychiatric Disorder...

That's apparently what BPD is considered to be. And apparently its recognised as much by the DSM IV.

So why do i feel i'm not getting any help?

why do i always hurt myself in 3's.

I'm sorry for being a broken record.

I'm sorry for saying the same shit over and over again.

I'm sorry i can't cope.

I'm sorry i've slipped up.

I'm sorry for being weak.

I'm sorry for being pathetic.

I'm sorry for being a burden.

I'm sorry for you having to cope with me.

I'm sorry i can't be someone else.

I'm sorry i'm getting worse, not better.

I'm sorry for you having to pick up the pieces.

I'm sorry for being moody and miserable.

I'm sorry for not bing happy.

I'm sorry i don't smile anymore.

I'm sorry i've let you down.

I'm sorry for being alive, when i should be dead.

If someone reads this, please will you tell me? Cos i feel like i'm talking to myself. I feel like no-one can hear me. I feel like i'm beyond help.

I can't cope with this. I know i've said it before but i really can't. I don't know if i can wait to die. I need to die now. I need to make this stop. I need it to go away. I want everything to be ok, and it isn't, and it never will be.

There's a small part of me, that is begging you to stop me. Stop me before i do something stupid. Please. I can't do this on my own. I've hidden how i feel, but now i think the mask is slipping and pretty soon everyone is going to see me for what i really am. I don't deserve this life. All i've donw with it is fuck it up, and moan about it.

No-one is in tomorrow night. I could move the date forward. I could die tomorrow.

I'm sorry.

But You Don't See Me, You Don't

I don't normally post lyrics in this blog, but i am going to today:

Autumn's Monologue-From Autumn To Ashes

Oh why can't I be what you need?
A new improved version of me
But I'm nothing so good
No, I'm nothing
Just bones, a lonely ghost burning down songs
Of violence of love and of sorrow
I beg for just one more tomorrow
Where you hold me down, fold me in
Deep, deep, deep in the heart of your sins

I break in two over you, oh
I break in two
And each piece of me dies
And only you can give the breath of life
But you don't see me, you don't

Here I'm pinned between darkness and light
Bleached and blinded by these nights
Where I'm tossing and tortured 'til dawn
By you, visions of you then you're gone.
The shock bleeds the red from my face
When I hear someone's taken my place.
How could love be so thoughtless, so cruel?
When all, all that I did was for you

I break in two over you, oh
I break in two
And each piece of me dies
And only you can give the breath of life
But you don't see me, you don't
(x2)


I break in two over you, oh
I break in two over you, over you
I break in two
I would break in two for you
Now you see me
Now you don't
Now you need me
Now you don't

I feel invisible. I'm almost praying someone notices that I AM NOT OK. I can write as many bloody blogs as i feel like, but it doesn't matter as no-one ever reads them. They will once i'm gone though. They'll look back and think "why didn't we pick up on the fact she was blatently ill again and suicidal".

Maybe i'm just hiding it too well. Or maybe no-one really gives a shit. Part of me feels everyone is so fucking wrapped up in their own lives no-one has thought to check if i'm ok. Then i remember i'm just being a selfish self-centered bitch and that the world does not revolve around me. Besides its a goo thing. If no-one notices now, they probably won't notice when i'm dead and gone.

I should really go back and see my GP. But its not like anything will come of it. I mean i can tell them i was the oppurtunity, the way, the means on killing myself on X date but unless that date is today, they don't care. So i'll just be left o my own devices, and we know what such a great fucking idea that is [/sarcasm]. Having a drink last night, whilst i felt down, it took me back to my first year of uni.

Part of me wanted to keep drinking. I remembered how it used to numb my mind. The only thing putting me off is the fact my hangovers are about 10x as bad as they were 5 years ago.

I want to hurt myself.

But timing is everything.

Do it now, and someone will notice. Wait a few days, and they probably won't.

I'm living a lie. But its ok, i only have to keep this up for another 25 days. Then it ends. And i'm free.

Today..Is Not The Day To Die

I couldn't do that to my best mate. It's bad enough that i'm currently locked in my room, when i should be out there socialising. But no, i couldn't do it, not today.

Even though i feel i should. I know its been a running theme the last few days, weeks. I'm sorry i keep mentioning it. But in a way this is my daily record of how fucked up my moods are.

I keep thinking about really bad stuff. I've started planning.

I know when i will have the oppurtunity.

I know there will be nobody around to stop me.

I know i won't be found before i die.

I know this will be it.

The end.

But no, i'm not that stupid as to post when i will do it. I can't let anyone stop me.

Even though in a roundabout way i guess this is (another, and one of many) cry for help.

Carried Away By The Complicated Current Of Confusion

First things first, you know when you walk into a room and you just get this overwhelming feeling that you're not supposed to be there? Well that just happened. There's no place for me here, at least that's what it feels like.

And tomorrow, tomorrow we go camping. That is either going to be a really goood weekend, or somehow i'm going to get depressed and cause a row and ruin it for everyone. I'm thinking the latter is more likely.

Still feeling down

Still feeling like my life is going down the gutter.

Will it ever get better?

Probably. Probably not.

Restrictions

So, food and my mood have always been two touchy subjects. They don't go well together.

It can go either way. Either i have no appitite, don't eat and lose weight. Or i binge eat crap and put on loads of weight.

Right now i'm in the former phase. However ususally its an unconcious thing, i'm not aware i'm doing it. But now i am aware. Now i am thinking-"don't eat". It's becoming easier and easierto eat nothing during the day. I'll have one meal at night when the bf comes home from work and that's it.

And you know what, i think its working.

Today i'm 17st 3lbs. :D

Last time i weighed myself (last week) i was 17st 12lbs.

So in about a week i've managed to lose 9lbs! And all from cutting out meals. Its so addictive. I fele so proud of myself. The hunger pains aren't nearly as bad when i think of how well i'm doing.

I'm slipping into old habits again.

I bought a pair of jeans last saturday. They fit but were a little tight. Now they keep slipping down, if i lose more weight they will be hanging off me.

Don't go worrying though. I don't have an eating disorder. if i was a size 10 and still convinced i was fat and needed to lose weight then ok, maybe i'd have a problem but no, i'm a size 18 and am obese, so its ok for me to lose weight this way. Its the only thing that works.

Unsafe

I feel that right now, i'm not safe. I am a danger to myself.

But i don't know what to do about it.

To think, this was partly triggered by me trying to (finally) fill in those forms i've been putting off fo so long. I just can't do it. I've tried, i have tried so fucking hard to do it but i just keep breaking down in tears.

It dawned on me today, that i'm a failure. I came to uni, got a worthless degree and now i'm jobless and haven't got a chance in hell of getting another job/getting the help i feel i need.

I might as well just end it.

I can only descibe this feeling as literally being overwhelmed by sadness and by thoughts.

Spekaing of thoughts, Bad me is putting them in my head again. The usual bollocks. She wants me to die. She wants me to hurt myself. The scary thing is i'm finding myself agreeing with her. How much longer can i fight these thoughts, and feelings? I'm sick of fighting. I was never a fighter, always more of a pacifist.

-Will finish this post soon-

Three Strikes...

3 entries

You really can tell i'm having a bad day.

It happened anyway. I tried to ease it but it happened regardless.

My house is at war.

And i'm stuck in the middle.

Takes me back to my childhood, being stuck between two parents who were always at each others throats (not literally...just arguements etc).

I can't cope with this.

But of course i'm not ill enough to be worthy of respite.

Fuck this. Fuck everything.

I quit.

House

Two posts in one day is a rareity for me but this didn't fit with the other post.

I'm already getting sick of the polictics in this house. and we've been here what, 2 weeks, 3?

Already the mountain of washing up is causing world war III to break out. I just hope it getse done today cos i have bigger fucking problems to cope with than having to worry about people pulling their weight.

I just feel like this is a bad atmosphere for me to be in. Maybe i should go home for while (though that ended badly last time). I wish there was somewhere else for me to go. Just somewhere i could get away from everything and everyone.

Cos of this is making me worse. The constant snipings and arguments are wearing me down, and right now i can't fucking cope with it. If it carries on i'm going to fucking snap. And if i snap there's a good chance i will do something stupid.

I don't want it to get to that.

If that washing up is still there i will most likely end up doing just to try and avoid the fallout which is inevitable tonight if it hasn't been done.

I can't cope with this. I want out. Please. Someone take me away from this.