Here Again

It's catching up with me again. The depression that is.

My GP put it down to stress from moving house, and the fact i've only been on the Trazedone for 2 weeks. I put it down to being depressed again. For starters its lasting longer than 2 weeks. And i can feel it getting worse.

I haven't been sleeping the last few nights. Instead i've tossed and turned, and stayed awake. In my head there's Bad Me. Bad Me insists on teling me what a shit person i am, how i need to hurt myself and how i'd be better off dead. She scares me.

I burst into tears yesterday, because i fucked up making dinner. It got to me. I guess it being the 3rd anniversary of my Nan's death didn't help matters either.

I wish i had something to do during the day. It royally pisses me off when a certain someone insists that i have to do stuff (like cook/clean etc)n because they've been at work all day and i've "done nothing". I honestly wish i could do something! Do you think i want to be like this? Do you think i want to have these feelings day in, day out? That i enjoy arguing with myself constantly over the urge to hurt myself? Or that i enjoy having death plague my thoughts on a daily basis?

I DON'T

And its fucking insenstive to suggest i do, and that somehow i've put myself in this situation. If i had a fucking physical disabilty/illness then you wouldn't assume i should do everything cos i don't go to work. But no, because its in my head its my fucking fault, as always. I don't even mind doing cooking/cleaning etc, i just can't abide people taking the high and mighty route and making me feel like shite in the process. Next time you are ill, i will make a point of asking you to do stuff, because you're not doing anything else. Then maybe you'll see how it makes me feel.


I don't want to eat. Eating makes me fat. Food makes me fat. Fat makes me ugly. Ugly makes me depressed. And repeat. I hate being this way. Why can't i have the willpower to fucking starve? I want to be thin. i want to be skin and bones. I keep getting the urge to make myself sick, but they will notice and try and stop me. So i can't.

Speaking of urges, i need to hurt myself. I make everything go to shit. I hurt everyone i know. Yes its a broken record but i can't escape this cycle. I don't want to be here. I don't want to live. I don't want to breathe. I don't want to feel. I'm sick of feeling. Because i never feel good feelings. Only bad ones. I'm never 100% happy, chrsit i don't htink i even reach 50% happy most of the time.


I'm on a slippery downhill slope. This are about to get bad, really bad. But they can't help me. Th only person hwo can stop this is me....


....guess i'm screwe then.