Insecurities

I hate internet forums.

I hate how people who don't know you, can judge you. There are no repurcussions for them. They don't think about the person behind the screen. They don't think about that person's feelins, or state of mind. they don't care if what they say may be the something whihc pushes that person over the edge.

Me and my body are not having a good realtionship right now.

I hate the way i look. I hate myself.

I am fucking disgusting.

And its not just me who thinks so.

Apparently anyone over a size 12 is fat and disgusting etc. Although somewhat miracurously the thread in question has dissappeared.

I admit, my BPD doesn not help the situation. I have an "unstable" body image at the best of times. And i think in "black and white" terms, i.e all or nothing.

I can't just cut down on food, or cut things out and diet. I eat, or i don't eat. There is no fucking in between.

I know He doesn't mean it but when He tells me how hot other girls are (models for example) it shoots my confidence. I look at them and i think "i look NOTHING like that" so how can He even be attracted to me? I am fat, i am ugly. I am not thin, slim or pretty. I don't have small petite breasts.

I am so fucking insecure, and i hate myself for it. Its not even a case of embracing my figure because i am FAT. I am OVERWEIGHT. i am OBESE. i am DISGUSTING. i am UGLY. There is no hiding it.

I think its the reason i don't care if i self harm. I don't care if i scar myself, because i can't get any worse.

Still feeling like i should be dead. Still thinking if i don't die the least i can do is restrict. Maybe i'll lose some fucking weight that way.