But You Don't See Me, You Don't

I don't normally post lyrics in this blog, but i am going to today:

Autumn's Monologue-From Autumn To Ashes

Oh why can't I be what you need?
A new improved version of me
But I'm nothing so good
No, I'm nothing
Just bones, a lonely ghost burning down songs
Of violence of love and of sorrow
I beg for just one more tomorrow
Where you hold me down, fold me in
Deep, deep, deep in the heart of your sins

I break in two over you, oh
I break in two
And each piece of me dies
And only you can give the breath of life
But you don't see me, you don't

Here I'm pinned between darkness and light
Bleached and blinded by these nights
Where I'm tossing and tortured 'til dawn
By you, visions of you then you're gone.
The shock bleeds the red from my face
When I hear someone's taken my place.
How could love be so thoughtless, so cruel?
When all, all that I did was for you

I break in two over you, oh
I break in two
And each piece of me dies
And only you can give the breath of life
But you don't see me, you don't
(x2)


I break in two over you, oh
I break in two over you, over you
I break in two
I would break in two for you
Now you see me
Now you don't
Now you need me
Now you don't

I feel invisible. I'm almost praying someone notices that I AM NOT OK. I can write as many bloody blogs as i feel like, but it doesn't matter as no-one ever reads them. They will once i'm gone though. They'll look back and think "why didn't we pick up on the fact she was blatently ill again and suicidal".

Maybe i'm just hiding it too well. Or maybe no-one really gives a shit. Part of me feels everyone is so fucking wrapped up in their own lives no-one has thought to check if i'm ok. Then i remember i'm just being a selfish self-centered bitch and that the world does not revolve around me. Besides its a goo thing. If no-one notices now, they probably won't notice when i'm dead and gone.

I should really go back and see my GP. But its not like anything will come of it. I mean i can tell them i was the oppurtunity, the way, the means on killing myself on X date but unless that date is today, they don't care. So i'll just be left o my own devices, and we know what such a great fucking idea that is [/sarcasm]. Having a drink last night, whilst i felt down, it took me back to my first year of uni.

Part of me wanted to keep drinking. I remembered how it used to numb my mind. The only thing putting me off is the fact my hangovers are about 10x as bad as they were 5 years ago.

I want to hurt myself.

But timing is everything.

Do it now, and someone will notice. Wait a few days, and they probably won't.

I'm living a lie. But its ok, i only have to keep this up for another 25 days. Then it ends. And i'm free.