Mood Swings (And Roundabouts)

So most of today i've been hyper. Bouncing off the walls, racing thoughts, delusions on grandeaur hyper.

Verging on manic.

Which is bad news.

I've not been thinking straight. I couldn't keep up with what i was thinking and doing. I don't even remember going shopping or why i bought what i did. I was talking (loudly) to myself. I felt like everything was amazing.

Maybe its the implusivness from the BPD that's causing me to be like this, but it feels like more.

I've wondered if i may have Cyclothymia which is a form of Bipolar II where the person had rapid cycling between a hypomanic state and a dysmthyic (depressed) state. Which sounds like me.

Or mayeb i'm just getting paranoid again and thinking everything applies to me. Maybe this is all in my head. Maybe this isn't real. Maybe i'm imaagining it all.

Either way its messing with my head.

The hyper mood has now progressed to the depressed mood. I feel like utter shit. I'm struggling to stop myself bursting into tears. And all i want to do is go upstairs and hurt myself. I deserve it after all. I've brought this on myself. I should never have left the house. I should have stayed indoors. Bad things always happen when i leave the house.

Bad Me is here now. She thinks i should die. She always thinks i should die. Right now i'm agreeing with her. I should die. I should be dead. If i can't be cured i don't want to live.