Catching The Bus

I know i said I was giving this blog up, but i needed to make this post:

I now know when the Correction is taking place. This friday. Good Me told me I have to try and get help first. So I’ll make a doctors appointment.

But they won’t help, and they won’t care. So onto my plan. I did’t want to OD as its so unpredictable but I’ve been doing my research and think i’ve found a good combination of drugs that will do the job. Obviously I can’t be at home, so i’ll have to go somewhere, I’m thinking the park. But then part of me also wants to jump off the highest building I can find. If i’m dosed up on meds I wouldn’t feel the pain right?

You might ask why I’m doing this. You will ask after I’ve done it. The simple reason is, I can’t fight this illness anymore. I’m done.

It made me lose my job. It made me get into debt. It made me try and kill myself and hurt my then bf and parents. It made me reliant on benefits. It made me lose the one person who really cared for me, and it made him ill through caring for me. It made me hurt myself and made me live with the scars. It made me be a burden on the state, the nhs and the ones i love. It took all the good from my life and turned it bad. It changed me from a fun, bubbly outgoing person to a hollow empty shell. It’s ruined my life.

I have several apologies to make:

I’m sorry for being a broken record.
I’m sorry for saying the same shit over and over again.
I’m sorry i can’t cope.
I’m sorry i’ve slipped up.
I’m sorry for being weak.
I’m sorry for being pathetic.
I’m sorry for being a burden.
I’m sorry for you having to cope with me.
I’m sorry i can’t be someone else.
I’m sorry i’m getting worse, not better.
I’m sorry for you having to pick up the pieces.
I’m sorry for being moody and miserable.
I’m sorry for not bing happy.
I’m sorry i don’t smile anymore.
I’m sorry i’ve let you down.
I’m sorry for being alive, when i should be dead.

I really can’t do this any longer. I’m not getting better. I know people don’t see mental illness as terminal but for me it is, Because its going to result in my death. I just want to feel peace. Yes this will hurt my friends and loved ones, but the pain won’t last forever, it will pass. And to be honest I’ve put up with this pain for nearly 14 years. I put up with it because I didn’t want my loved ones to suffer. But i can’t do this anymore. I’m sorry if this hurts you but I’;m hurting too and I need this escape. If i was a wounded animal in pain, you’d do the humane thing and put me down. That’s how you need to see my death.

Considering the magnitude of what I’m going to do in 4 days time I am feeling calm. I’ve accepted this is the end,and that my time has come.

I love you
I’m sorry.